: Cannot sleep. Too many voices in my head. Will there ever be a time when I will have a peaceful night? I just want to shoot my brains out and bleed all over the floor. At least then they will stop…and I will be able to sleep at last. I have so many regrets. It’s like a plague growing inside my brain, making my body sick. I have a thinking problem. I’m silently broken. I hide behind these books I read, my poetry, my music…as if art could save a tragedy like me. So many sorrys I never gave. So many mistakes I’ve made. I can’t blame myself for my mind. It’s not my fault. I want to be free. I’ve lost myself…my identity. I’m not real. I’m already dead. My soul is rotting inside of my body. It’s just like breathing but not wanting to. I guess I’ll attempt to go to sleep now. Wake me up when I’m dead.

I’m tired of trying to explain myself to psychologists. They just don’t understand what I’m saying or feeling…I don’t even completely understand what goes on inside this tormented brain of mine so how can I expect anyone else to? I’ve seen over 10 psychologists within the past 3 years and now my psychiatrist is begging me to see a psychologist or therapist again. I’ve tried so many times I’m just not sure if I have the strength to keep trying…to keep trying to explain myself.

Sigh…

I wish I knew what to do…

Live or die.

Or live but not live.

I failed once again and I’m not sure if I have the strength to start it all over…for a while, at least. I wanted some relief from this world and now that I have failed at something that was rather important, that relief is once again pushed further from my grips. And now I haven’t a clue about what to do with myself.

Once again.

Sunday is gloomy.

My head is spinning. The floor seems such a comfort right now and I wonder if I’ll be able to get back up if I were to let myself fall. The sickness in my head has become a sickness in my body. It spreads to every inch of me like a cancer. I laugh for a second when I think whether or not kemo would help me.

I have slept for days yet I feel as if I haven’t for centuries.

I feel like slipping away today.

I hide. And then I wonder why I am so invisible. It’s my fault. It has always been my fault. I’m in the shadows because I keep myself there and then I feel left out of the world. The real world. I am too consumed in my own world that I forget the real one out there. It’s goes on without me. And I still wonder why even though the answer is clear.

I want to blame someone for my mind. My life? My family? Genetics? God? Myself? No. I can’t help it. I keep telling myself that my mind is not my fault. And I believe me. I want someone to understand and cure me of my insanity. Or at least truly care to try.

I’m the tear on your cheek.

This fucked up shit hole of a universe doesn’t want me and I don’t want it. Take me in to the deepest institution of Hell and let my skin blister and turn to ash. Let me then evaporate in to nothingness where I won’t feel. I won’t be. Non-existance is freedom from everything.

I have to punish myself.

I have to punish myself when I give in. When I slip. If I don’t I won’t accomplish anything. I’ll be some stupid no good of a person.

So I punish myself.

tick tock

tick tock

tick, tick

BOOM